The price of peace of mind

I am dismayed with the reality of my ever-impending future. It seems that once I leave the ruined halls of the University of Victoria I will be forced to sell my love and my life to appease the parade of bankers and sharks that will leave the starting gates promptly at the beginning of November 2004. It has been most disheartening to have this reality foisted down my throat when I have been blissfully closing my eyes to it for months. The only thing that makes me somewhat sadder is the possibility that I will have become too financially tainted in the eyes and hearts of any possible future partners. While I sell myself to recover, I feel a simplistic certainty that my love will also choose to liquidate all that I have to give him in order to remain clean of this whole mess.

These are my thoughts as I digest the revolving concept of prostituting myself to the provincial master for some fifteen years before I will be free from indentured servitude and while I liken myself to far poorer beings than I, I am forced to open my eyes and re-focus…this is a good thing!!!

This mountain that I have buried myself under is also my salvation. I can count each fact as I purchased it, every mind expanding, blessed moment. I know how I spent the money and I do not consider any of it squandered, but the people around me (or so I tought) seem to think it necessary that I begin the regret of each penny lost, now- and for many years to come. How foolish I have been to move myself away from the small-town life of marrying a mill-worker and bearing his children. Who could ever forgive me for experimenting with MY own life, to discover who I am and strive to improve that. How dare I embrace the world of useless history, stories, retellings and ponderances. What a waste.

I know how ridiculous it is to buy yourself the new car that you pay for in lieu of putting food in your mouth.
I know how irresponsible it is to plunk coin after coin into a slot machine purchasing the fantasy of millions to replace them.
I know it is not appropriate to buy a new outfit to wear to the movie that you use your Visa to get yourself into.
And I most certainly know that one does not need Bravo when the cupboard is stocked with KD.

What I don’t know is the sense in constantly being reminded that what I consider to have been a wise investment in both my future as well as that of future generations, was actually only another form of pissing away the money that I didn’t have to start with- certainly don’t have now- and as everyone keeps telling me: I will never have. Thank you for that. This very real reality- who are you to give me that? How dare you decide for me that the past eight years have been a waste? Perhaps you should stop, think about who you are. Does money, lack of money, no money define people that much. How very sad that money will be the defining element of where I can live and who I can love.

Perhaps it was a waste after-all. Wilmer mighten’t have been so bad, and really without my over priced education I would never have known any better…right?!

To all of those who feel that they know so much about me and my mistakes and successes, I ask that you be the ones to step away. I don’t want to hear it anymore. I don’t need to be told that I did things wrong. I have created and paid for who I am today; nothing needs to be refunded. Perhaps I will be poor for years to come, but you know what, if it means so much to people that they feel sick about it, then leave me alone. I am not a problem for others to deal with. I am me, as I have learned to be and that is all I need to be happy, in love and wealthy. I know there are people who will respect me for me, not the $ stamped into either my forehead or my ass.