Li’l Miss Manic

6 instructional days to go
final observation session complete
first sunburn from playing at the track meet! Oh yeah!!

My moods have been almost unbearable these past couple of weeks. I started off with a pretty nasty depression, head in my hands, heart seeping out through my forehead, voice cracking, wavering and raising. My students felt it, James felt it and I wish that none of us had.

Last weekend I found myself failing in productivity and feeling very low. I deliberately secluded myself and hated almost every heart beat each minute.

Carley helped pull me back in early this week, smiles and hugs that only someone who teaches next door to me could provide.

Things started picking up yesterday, my heart kissed the inside of my chest as I stretched my sleepy eyes. Smiles have been pretty frequent ever since.

What concerns me most now that my mind appears to be clearing is that I don’t like my more rational thoughts. As much as my heart hurts to feel it- I am beginning to severely doubt my commitments. Along with that I am attempting to reconnect with the strong, independent woman I was a few long years ago. I think it could be crucial for me to move away from the island-track mind I have been forcing for so many years. If that means that I have to take the first baby-step on my own, then- who knows, maybe it will be the beginning of the most amazing, heart strengthening, daydream living adventure that I never knew I could ponder.

And then I pause and inside a bright muscle gets a little too tight, my throat contracts just enough and I can feel the tear behind my eye and I have to ask… who the hell am I? to myself? To him? To everyone?

Dammit!!!

Posted by Sheena at April 21, 2004 10:01 PM