The South Terminal

I have been typing for close to three hours, such was the effect of not catching the much earlier connector from Vancouver to Victoria. My logic: what work is done today will allow more time to be wrapped up next to a warm body doing nothing either mentally or physically strenuous.

Mom, Ralph, Gran and Gramps saw Jess, Kona and I off at the Cranbrook airport. Their plan was to dive head first into the maddening crowds found at the local Walmart and SuperStore, both of which are relatively new to the small city and a thrill to everyone within 140km. They fed us toast, plunked a folded $20 bill in my pocket, squeezed each of us in turn and finally departed after our vociferous assurances that we would be okay left to board the plane without grown-up supervision. This took place at approximately 10am and here I sit 6 hours later, my laptop plugged into the only electrical outlet available to the public, with a Georgia Straight’ magazine rack as my desk…how very novel-truly.

I will spend 30 more minutes proof-reading today’s effort and then I will grant myself the privilege of reading a paperback novel for the duration of today’s travels.

My parent’s are in cranbrook, jessa’s at home, and I am counting down the seconds to being back on the island
zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

OMG I think I’m deaf!!

sam jackson just blew my ear off- there are way too many different volume settings on this ‘puter.

kind of a mix of various meanderings through me this very late sunday night 11:49 to be precise, mom and ralph are in bed- sleeping through the tap tapping of my nails on the keyboard and jess is hiding in our room with kona.

my weekend…to cranbrook with the bartch’s yesterday, spoiled rotten and now have four pairs of ‘teacher pants’ to be hemmed when i get back to my sewing machine…steak for supper last night as only ralph can make it…sleeeeeeeeping late this morning, mom is funny- she wakes us up when she gets lonely, using the most absurd of reasons, but she’z cute so we let her get away with it…daddy daughter out in the snow helping him construct the best xmas tree in lights on the end of the house while mommy daughter was inside learning how to make nanaimo bars from scratch, it was a most productive afternoon…i made the best cookies, they are ‘damn good, damn, damn, damn good’ cookies- no-one here had any idea where that came from (i felt so alone ;P )…to gramma’s house we went for supper and 2.five hours of ‘tiles’ or in my language Mexican train yaaaaaay! i lost…very lots, but it was great fun…then home to work where I have been for what seems like days but is more likely only about 2 hours.

as far as smoking goes...the craving is totally gone!

we seem to have found another cat for mom and ralph, the brother to the one we brought home last xmas, but jess and i are experiencing some trepidation due to the unhealthy state of their most recent adoptee- more on that later…

feeling a mix of things tonight, tired, cranky, lost in all i know i have to do, tense shoulder blades, missing my boy (more than I figgered i would)

still counting down the sleeps, funny how they change from counting down to going home- to when santa comes- to going home…

i have seen a million things that I would like to take pictures of, it is cool seeing things through the lens of james’ camera, i always have two perspectives on the world as i live it…it’s great

i love the ability I have to create new words…i make up at least one each time i write- it is a most excellent talent I have…..grrrrr i hate when my ‘puter changes my i’s from li’l to big…smart ass, would you believe i just went and manually changed all of them except (that ­one up there)

~when i get home i think i need another lesson in captioning ;)

The price of peace of mind

I am dismayed with the reality of my ever-impending future. It seems that once I leave the ruined halls of the University of Victoria I will be forced to sell my love and my life to appease the parade of bankers and sharks that will leave the starting gates promptly at the beginning of November 2004. It has been most disheartening to have this reality foisted down my throat when I have been blissfully closing my eyes to it for months. The only thing that makes me somewhat sadder is the possibility that I will have become too financially tainted in the eyes and hearts of any possible future partners. While I sell myself to recover, I feel a simplistic certainty that my love will also choose to liquidate all that I have to give him in order to remain clean of this whole mess.

These are my thoughts as I digest the revolving concept of prostituting myself to the provincial master for some fifteen years before I will be free from indentured servitude and while I liken myself to far poorer beings than I, I am forced to open my eyes and re-focus…this is a good thing!!!

This mountain that I have buried myself under is also my salvation. I can count each fact as I purchased it, every mind expanding, blessed moment. I know how I spent the money and I do not consider any of it squandered, but the people around me (or so I tought) seem to think it necessary that I begin the regret of each penny lost, now- and for many years to come. How foolish I have been to move myself away from the small-town life of marrying a mill-worker and bearing his children. Who could ever forgive me for experimenting with MY own life, to discover who I am and strive to improve that. How dare I embrace the world of useless history, stories, retellings and ponderances. What a waste.

I know how ridiculous it is to buy yourself the new car that you pay for in lieu of putting food in your mouth.
I know how irresponsible it is to plunk coin after coin into a slot machine purchasing the fantasy of millions to replace them.
I know it is not appropriate to buy a new outfit to wear to the movie that you use your Visa to get yourself into.
And I most certainly know that one does not need Bravo when the cupboard is stocked with KD.

What I don’t know is the sense in constantly being reminded that what I consider to have been a wise investment in both my future as well as that of future generations, was actually only another form of pissing away the money that I didn’t have to start with- certainly don’t have now- and as everyone keeps telling me: I will never have. Thank you for that. This very real reality- who are you to give me that? How dare you decide for me that the past eight years have been a waste? Perhaps you should stop, think about who you are. Does money, lack of money, no money define people that much. How very sad that money will be the defining element of where I can live and who I can love.

Perhaps it was a waste after-all. Wilmer mighten’t have been so bad, and really without my over priced education I would never have known any better…right?!

To all of those who feel that they know so much about me and my mistakes and successes, I ask that you be the ones to step away. I don’t want to hear it anymore. I don’t need to be told that I did things wrong. I have created and paid for who I am today; nothing needs to be refunded. Perhaps I will be poor for years to come, but you know what, if it means so much to people that they feel sick about it, then leave me alone. I am not a problem for others to deal with. I am me, as I have learned to be and that is all I need to be happy, in love and wealthy. I know there are people who will respect me for me, not the $ stamped into either my forehead or my ass.

no more sleeps

The following is far from composition brilliance- just my little voice being belted out to the world from the heart of the Rockies~

Sitting in the semi-dark of this kitchen that I call my office…at least until I hear ‘girls, please put your stuff away’.

The thriving mountain metropolis hasn’t changed much. There is snow and the twenty year old, fondly remembered lights sit atop the street poles downtown.

We never have to worry about being alone for lunch as any short walk downtown will ensure that you find someone willing to spend some time reminiscing and catching up. Who’s doing who and what’s what, you know- the usual.

We spent most of yesterday decking the halls and having tea with Gran and Gramps. Today we had planned to staple way too many lights to the outside of the house and leaveless trees but instead were drawn into the contemporary world of bankers and cell phones. Many thanks to Erik, the one responsible for us giving our folks another push into the twenty-first century. Seriously, it took two cute blondes and one hot brunette to hook up one phone via the interweb. BUT we were successful! Mom didn’t want 342-7667 for a phone number tho…not sure why?! We eventually settled on a random number that was a little less…brown and very boring.

The highlights: spinning my glow sticks in the backyard until they froze, tobogganing in the way-too-dark school yard with Jess, shrieking and laughing our asses off- you can be sure we will be doing that a few more times before we leave. Boston crème filled cake for desert and some transcription productivity.

I sit here with my weird music coming through my headphones, Jess is our room watching TV, mom is in the bath, Ralphy is soundly sleeping with at least one of his two cats, the tree lights are wonderful. Shit! Mom just snuck up on me by accident, the moment is broken, but before I go: did you know that if you put an * before and after a word, MSword makes it bold? Amazing technology we have, but not quite as cool as html!
* love *
~some hours later, it has started to Chinook, may not be playing in the snow as much as I hoped…we’ll see, ya never know what’s gonna happen in the mountains.
g’nite

three sleeps

The count down continues 1, two, 3 sleeps until I go home
4teen sleeps 'til Santa comes
2.five days of classes left
I am swimming in relief, teaching does not sound like the great life tragedy that it did a month ago. This morning I even had the urge to turn around and hug the classmate behind me. Optimism is slowly washing over me inside and out.
I am looking forward to taking the time to revamp my own philosophy of education, to reflect and compare it with the earlier versions. September’s was naively written with bright red apples in my eyes, the ones since have been clouded with negativity and a sense of hopelessness. Perhaps not in the words I used to express my thoughts but in the underlying animosity I carried inside of me. Now, with the light in the distance I feel a certainty that I have not experienced before and I can only hope that I manage to keep it in focus through the rest of my journey.
I had the opportunity to discuss who I am as an educator with James and it was the first time I have articulated what teaching is to me, how I view students, administration and curricula. Talking about all of these things helped me take inventory of many of the things I have learned, tools I have acquired, and feelings I have developed. All are very valuable and will be forever morphing to meet the needs of my classrooms.
I am reminded of why I am here and what I have worked so hard for. With practicum fast approaching I am encouraged by my successes over the past four months, both small and grand. All of them have, if nothing else, allowed me to realize that I can take on many responsibilities and be successful. I can handle various expectations that people have of me and I can come out in the end with a grin on my face and the urge to hug everyone who fought with me in battle. Only four short months to go...
no more tear jerking country ballads for this girl, Christmas carols all the way hoooooooommmmmmmme!!!

haiku

my first ‘warku’ in celebration of my last English methods class ever, thank you Cheez Whizard: the 'haiku master,' for the ever repeating 5-7-5 in my poetic memory.

toe tappin' weeping

I cannot even begin to describe how very messy my room is!! That is a task best dealt with after too many cups of coffee after dinner, which would make it the next task before I retire this evening er-morning.
‘Tis truly been a nightmare of a weekend with one sparkle at the end. I find it very curious that I can actually work myself into such an intense emotional frenzy that I make myself sick, I do not recommend this as a diet, it is quite tiresome and your loved ones will run for the hills after relatively short order.
Have you ever had the misfortune of being really, really sad and while you can list a million reasons why you feel so sad none of them seem quite right? Or, have you ever felt that the rest of the world could care less or that you had only yourself to blame?
Funny, when all you need is someone to say ‘ya that sucks’ and then squeeze you- but that person doesn’t seem to exist in the panicked world you have buried yourself in? When you talk and talk and talk and it makes you feel worse than before you started BUT now you’re sad about something new entirely and you’ve forgotten the life shattering event that got you into that ill space in the first place…my weekend in a nutcase (er) in a nutshell.
Hmmm, how many cheesy country song lyrics can I think of that are fitting for the occasion…I will show you!

"You spend half your life on bended knee begging
somebody to change-
and the other half praying to God that they
never would."
OR
"Thank God for unaswered prayers"
I like that one, kind of reassuring to think that even if I really screw it up, someone else has the ultimate decision making power.

I have been a girl long enough to know that every once in a while I’m gonna have a really off day. Sometimes, I will likely irrationally lash out at the people I care about. Then, there are other times when life just sucks, and the only thing that makes it hurt worse are people confirming that yes, life sucks and you get to deal with it on your own.

“I don’t care if you don’t love me anymore”….sweeeeet
OR
“you were always on my mind and I guess I never
told you: 'I'm so happy that you're mine.'"

There are many reasons why I believe I hold an important place in a world of adults, but, more often than not lately I am realizing that I don’t really belong here and that adults aren’t grown ups after all. One reason why I think I can teach could be because I am an adult with more knowledge than most middle school students, but I don’t think I will teach them more than they can teach me. You go through all those young years anticipating the freedom of being an adult and you know-it sucks. You have to take care of yourself and make your own decisions and ya-sometimes it is great, but it isn’t quite so easy to curl up with your mom when you cry and there’s no one to make things all better when you hurt. I’m not sure I like these parts.

"every brown-eyed-boy and every blue-eyed-girl
gotta really go psycho"
...seriously!
Sometimes I'm just sad whether there's a good reason or not, and you know-- if that's the way I feel- every reason is valid... it just is, whether or not anybody 'gets it'
AND FINALLY
“Cadillac, blackjack, get back- boot scoot n’ boogie"
-for those times when really-who cares!

Ahhh country songs, a reason to cry all on their own.

Christmas Bliss

I am having a hard time digesting the bitterness of anti-Christmas citizens. I can appreciate your decision, choices not to partake in this holy day, yes, for many of us it is still a holy day, but there is even more to celebrate. Years of tradition in my family makes Christmas one of our favourite times. I do look forward to being spoiled and spoiling my loved ones, but it is not common practice for us to hoard gifts through the year only to dump them on the floor around our tree on December 25 thinking we have accomplished something or made a point regarding our giving abilities. It is a day we celebrate and give more than other times but it is not about the wealth we can accumulate. I want to share a memory for anyone who takes the time to read this but before I do, please note, last week I went to the mall to shop for stocking stuffers as well as to see the decorations, Santa and to listen to the Christmas carols echoing through the halls and stores. Also, in my world today I often allow my faith to fall behind other thoughts of school, work and money, this provides a needed and welcome reminder of who I am and what I believe in.

As a child my Christmas memories begin during the first week of December. I sat up as late as I could to watch all of Timmy's Christmas Telethon with my parents. The Sunday of that weekend was Invermere's Super Sunday (you know it is a small town when everyone comes out to shop on the same day!) we drank hot-chocolate, had pictures taken with Santa and rode on the hay covered sleigh over the snow packed streets of downtown. This was usually followed by dinner at Grans house.

As the month progresses our house got decorated, I remember Dad holding me on his shoulders to pin the garland and stars in the ceiling. The tree lights lit every night as we counted down the sleeps.

Christmas day, a morning of excitement, coffee with liqueur (only on Christmas!), presents opened and off to Gran and Gramps we went. There was always goodies and games. So many people, many we didn't get to see throughout the year (what a great time to get away with Christmas breaks from school and work). I remember the way the house smelled, I remember Gran in her pretty Christmas dress, often picked out and given to her by Gramps, her hair freshly set wearing a sparkly Christmas broach. I remember Gramps, pictures of me on his knee as I showed him my favourite new toy or outfit.

As I got older the traditions changed. Mom and Dad inherited the turkey and we welcomed everyone to our house. As teenagers Jessa and I invited all of our very cool friends to snack and decorate. Remember the hawk and fred?!
With age I began to share my mom's faith and last year we started a new tradition of going to see the live nativity.

For my Christmas is memories, faith, family, friends, music, sweets and so very many hugs. It is about new kittens and 7-foot stockings. For my family it is the most wonderful time of the year and it has so many unique meanings. I am sorry for people who cannot truly appreciate the love in Christmas. For those who see it as material and pointless, when the only tradition they have is grumbling about it, perhaps it is simply not their season- then leave it for us. Or maybe, try it sometime. Give yourself and the love and hugs within you- you might be surprised

she strikes again

I have decided that there is no better time to be highly productive than late at night, suffering from a self-induced, though most unwelcome, winter cold! 23:27 she awaits the hum of her heater to indicate that the audio files can no longer be heard and thus another opportunity to rant unto herself.
I have decided that today is Karmic payback for all those not so sick, days off I claimed earlier in the term...
whoopsy!
So here I sit, babbling into the wee hours, my fingers are moving much slower than they were 13 hours ago and my eyes feel pretty much crossed into the bridge of my nose.
The excitement for tonight: I learned to appreciate the wonderful design of my computer, programs or whatever ~james stop reading here~ after visiting what I had assumed to be a harmlessly distracting website...bored.com I believe DO NOT GO THERE! I was bombarded with popups, my two cd drives sprang open and a white screen proclaimed YOU HAVE BEEN INVADED. I paused.... .... .... .... and remember some of the tricks passed down to me from an 'oh so wise' computer guru, I cleaned out my internet history, removed the repugnant site from it's self appointed position as my new home page and proceeded with my typing (that's what I get for procrastinating-perhaps I should be sitting beneath my desk to complete this task for fear of having trojan horses trampling me on their way into my hard-drive...naw!) I digress. The computer-DIED, I did everything I have been taught to do, but there was no hope. But alas, what of the work I had been so devoted to through the course of the evening (which I could easily have redone during the amount of time I now spend writing this, however) I brutally turn the computer off, count to ten with my head in my hands and turn it back on...curious to see where the transcriptions had gone. Miraculously *whew* I had only lost about 79 seconds of text, you can imagine my relief, and now this homage to whoever invented a means of 'rescuing documents'
NOW,
It really wasn't dramatic at all and I kinda knew it would be there waiting for me BUT
it was way cooler to write about that than it will be to complete the last 8-9 minutes of audio files that I plan to finish before I go to sleep. In case you hadn't guessed, I don't think I am going to make it to Social Studies in the am. Me and my sleepy eyes and my stuffed nose are going to sleep in.

ggrrrr *yawn* ggrrrr

nine sleeps til classes are done, ten sleeps til we fly home...twenty-two sleeps til Santa comes!
We are all managing to keep our heads above water, we may be unconscious but at least we're still floating. The close of the semester is a mix of emotions for many of us. We recall the fondness of playing in the sunshine with Phil and transforming our windowless den with Brian, the torment of trying so many new things only to find there was not enough time to grow to like them.
Many of us won't see each other again until our ten-year reunion and it suddenly strikes me: the last student loan papers to be filed, the last library books to be borrowed, the last term paper to be written, and I wonder- what will happen without this world I have encapsulated myself infor the last seven years?!
I certainly don't plan to leave here and become an *ick* grownup, but what do I plan to do? where will I go? who will I take with me? It hardly bears thinking about, yet I will only get away with avoiding it for a few short months.
I long for third year, burried in history classes, loving my life and my friends. I have to reshape this space that I'm in but I don't even know where to begin. I seem to be tired always, classes bore me and the work drives me to skills of procrastination never truly experienced before. But what about the kids I will re-unite with this spring? Will they make it easier to get up in the morning? inspire me to create the most amazing of all lesson plans? or
will they make me even
more sleepy

I hope there is snow, and lotsa chocolate and shortbread, and gran and gramps, Jessa, mom n' ralph, Aunty Terry, Ali, Jason, Steven and Shawn...and Santa!!!!
"yes Sheena there really is a Santa Claus"