crap ass monday

For close to two weeks I have been quietly counting down the ‘instructional’ days left before the end of the month, and fter an amazing weekend I arrived at school most optimistic about the last five. I feel it important to interject that this is the last five days of formal education after seven
Oh yeah, seven years. Kind of makes this a hallmark week ;)

Anyway, the reports are in and apparently I suck, at least in the eyes of one really uptight, white-haired old shit from UVic.
My stress- level has been rising throughout the last 8-10 hours but I don’t seem to be collapsing.
Instead, I am going to focus on the wonderful things that my sponsor teachers have to say. You know, the ones who have actually watched me teach every day throughout the past 12 weeks,

the wonderful, supportive women whose reaction to my final evaluation was “Okay, well, guess it’s up to us to make this right!”

There were a few other annoying nerve busters dropped today as well, but I have done all I can to deal with them today (a fair bit, I might add).
The sun was hot, just the way I like it, my ferret didn’t smell like ferret, my sister is buying me a few delectable meals in Seattle this weekend, and a really hot, smart geek spent his evening fine-tuning my brand new, Sheena original smudge in the interweb. Sounds like a good day to me.

*love n’ hugs* for Jessa, James, Mrs. P. and Miss M.

4 more days!!!!!

ahh weekends

Yesterday was one of my best Saturdays ever, ever, ever.
-a leisurely saunter downtown through the coolish breeze
excited conversation and contemplation as we made our way to a new favorite coffee destination
a too gooey bagel slathered in cream cheese and jam-
all culminating with a few extra cool pix, a movie on a comfy couch and touching all night.
*sigh* some days I am more in love that I ever thought possible.

It is way too early to be sitting up alone and working on a Sunday morning. Unfortunately it is also not sunshiny enough to justify rousing the beautiful sleeping boy I left only minutes ago. Determinedly, I am going to be as productive as possible now so that I might take the time to play properly when the rest of the world wakes up!

Yesterday I asked J. if it was possible to develop a creative eye for photography. He seems to believe so. I enjoy a variety of pics captured for perusal on some of the blogs I read. I hope that I too can develop an eye that...

...beautifies the mundane and

... stimulates the viewer.

The above are a start I hope.

a secret

Funny time this seems to be. My head is clear and my heart is relaxing. The sun is poking around the wind outside and I am planning to take Sunday off.

I was somewhat concerned about posting my last entry, thought about saving it as a draft for my own review only, but that would have been denying my expression. The beautiful thing that came out of it was the strongest most direct line of communication James and I have possibly ever had. Enough to wake us up and get us going after only 6 hours of sleep way too early this morning.

Updates to the conversation that sped on well into the wee hours of this morning will come out one way or another soon enough.

and she's off with a wink and a smile...that's right, a big ass smile ;)

*squeezes* to those who love me anyway, Chrissie for her smiles on Wed. and well wishes today, Carley for sharing my lunch yummm, Steve and Chelf for being so HOT and for each hugging me twice last night, after the great salad roll discovery!

Li’l Miss Manic

6 instructional days to go
final observation session complete
first sunburn from playing at the track meet! Oh yeah!!

My moods have been almost unbearable these past couple of weeks. I started off with a pretty nasty depression, head in my hands, heart seeping out through my forehead, voice cracking, wavering and raising. My students felt it, James felt it and I wish that none of us had.

Last weekend I found myself failing in productivity and feeling very low. I deliberately secluded myself and hated almost every heart beat each minute.

Carley helped pull me back in early this week, smiles and hugs that only someone who teaches next door to me could provide.

Things started picking up yesterday, my heart kissed the inside of my chest as I stretched my sleepy eyes. Smiles have been pretty frequent ever since.

What concerns me most now that my mind appears to be clearing is that I don’t like my more rational thoughts. As much as my heart hurts to feel it- I am beginning to severely doubt my commitments. Along with that I am attempting to reconnect with the strong, independent woman I was a few long years ago. I think it could be crucial for me to move away from the island-track mind I have been forcing for so many years. If that means that I have to take the first baby-step on my own, then- who knows, maybe it will be the beginning of the most amazing, heart strengthening, daydream living adventure that I never knew I could ponder.

And then I pause and inside a bright muscle gets a little too tight, my throat contracts just enough and I can feel the tear behind my eye and I have to ask… who the hell am I? to myself? To him? To everyone?

Dammit!!!

my turn

My eyes are so sleepy. I sit with this ‘one-eyed beast’ nestled in my lap, covered by 2 oh-so-soft blankets. Through my open window I feel the soft kiss of April nighttime wash over my bare chest. The autos drone by, swish and quiet rumble.
20 minutes is the time I have set, the voices wrestle in my ears as my fingers forge their quiet way across the keyboard; funny how they are more adept when, out of necessity, they are convinced to take over where my brain has left off.
How many sleeps left now Miss Wilson? Too tired tonight to be sure, will check again in the morning after 6 restless hours of curling up around my wonderful heart-made pillows. The ones that can never be quite as comforting as the warmth of a beautiful body breathing softly next to me.

16 I think…

oh woe is me

An impromptu blog

As many people already know, my practicum is drawing to a close, the seven years of study shall end quite quietly on April 30, 2004. I have yet to decide whether I should host a celebration party, a funeral or simply a wake. What challenges is me the most right now is my ability to slip back into old habits. The very same ones I was forced to check at the parking lot some 4-5 weeks ago. And while I am able to see these issues return I am finding it more difficult to eliminate them. The first time around I was desperate to find my niche and I re-arranged my priorities to do it. Now, the sun creeps in the bedroom window a little earlier but I am less inclined to rise earlier, and while the rain still comes I find it less enticing to lock myself in a quiet classroom marking stories and anticipating the vulgar comments that I may have to shield the next day.

I digress, James and I spent a great deal of time talking about talking this weekend. What I came up with was ….

My meeting with my Uvic supervisor went very poorly today due to a number of circumstances, ultimately I was left thinking that he has zero faith in my ability to be a successful teacher. This interpretation came was the result of one comment, ‘you and I have no faith in each other.’ My interpretation of this comment on the other hand was based on the arguments I had been engaged in with him prior to this moment. It has taken two outside perspectives for me to realize that perhaps, *arg* he was right. My lack of faith in him is what makes me so quick to argue with what he has to say about my lessons. Perhaps, if I were to listen more then I would know precisely what he wants= provide that= receive praise. OR perhaps, he and I just don’t click, personality conflicts prohibits each of us from a) assessing fairly & b) accepting constructive criticism. If it is the latter than I am in a predicament because in less than three weeks time he will be writing to official, final report- the same one that my future employers will request to see before they hire me. So while I am certain that I will graduate, I may leave Uvic with a permanent black mark trailing too close behind me wherever I journey as a teacher. That sux!

…sitting in the parking lot of Mister Budget Muffler Man Saturday evening playing a game of discussional chess. A game neither of us won and also one where neither of us gave up in defeat.

I give great credit to vitamin B for the fact that while all around me people were talking about my bad day; I do not feel it was so. I have a plan for my next session with John. Based on the last issue that we had, I was able to turn it around quickly. That being said, I know that I have to protect myself as well. He and I have major personality conflicts, what I considered ‘problems communicating,’ and I have to make sure that people of power are aware of these issues so that if, in 4 weeks time, I need to dispute an unfair final assessment, people will be prepared. Paper trail, paper trail, paper trail.

…and the ball is passed to sluree, she makes her way down the court, shoot
*swish*
…the ball is tossed back to James who makes his way in the opposite direction, from the three point line
*swish*
ahead by one point and the discussion continues, ending in a tie, a game well played and enjoyed by both teams.

Bickering about interpretations is tricky when two very different perspectives are trying to build some consensus. The great thing about open people is that they can continue to play the game whether it is a chess match diligently battled out in an ordered manner; a raquetteball game where each attempt by one’s opponent is slammed violently against a wall; or synchronized swimming where the discussion ebbs and flows as opinions and thoughts are washed together and emerge as one. All the more beautiful because it is a combination of skill and acceptance, of opinion and emotion, as the result of the competitors abilities to work together while focusing on being individuals, to form one diverse picture that will continue to move and change as the game goes on.

It all comes down to communication and interpretation. I stand by my assertion that talking is the most uninteresting form of communication. Unfortunatley, as a hot guy once said, it is also the most fundamental to our very existence.

things I pondered today

-how much I detest really arrogant men who sit with theiur long legs way too far apart! 13 year old boys who leer at my well concealed breasts! Sunday drivers on Friday afternoon.

-pictures of beautiful strangers, the half open leaf buds guiding travelers down Cook Street, how much I miss old friends when I finally get a chance to reconnect with them, purple toe-nail polish with sparkles in it, how valuable a mentor can be when disguised as a friend and how much I will miss the brutal assistance of Miss M, that I can make 7th graders dance with a half dehydrated stinking cornish game hen in the bright sunshine!

how I love the days when the smiles are many more that the grimaces, road rage and arm-crossings to hide what does not need to be hidden.

off for a wonderful weekend.

cheers and squeezes to all who know me and those who will soon.
*mwah*